


Red Wedding (not that one)

by notwest



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, POV Dave Strider, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 03:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14179827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notwest/pseuds/notwest
Summary: All your cards on the table, no one makes you happier than Karkat does. And the thought of waking up next to that mess of a troll every day for the rest of your immortal life, well you’re ready to sign the fuck up. Even if it takes pledging your undying love in front of everyone on Earth-C. Sometimes that’s just way the cookie’s gotta crumble.Dave and Karkat get married, y'all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [red wedding was inspired by this amazing art](https://davekatprompts.tumblr.com/post/171219028196/sol-lay-aaaand-i-finished-another-commission)
> 
> kudos to the lovely [sollay-b](https://sollay-b.tumblr.com/)

_“—and today is the day we engage in a played out earth custom;_  
_I’m nervous, and even though I know I should trust him_  
_When he says he wants to marry me,_  
_After this we’ll be shacked up near indefinitely,_  
_Extending hands, blending brands in holy matrimony;_  
_When we’re wearing matching bands it’ll be to late for him to see_  
_There’s plenty better fish in the sea than me, yours truly;_  
_Unfortunately I’m not allowed to warn him or even know what he’s up to;_  
_Unlike me, probably not freaking out over our impending nuptials—”_

“Dave!”

A loud voice cuts sharply through your stream of consciousness. You spin away from the mirror where you’ve been fixing your tie and cycling through varying states of panic for probably the last half an hour now. Rose is currently standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. You swallow nervously, quickly arranging your face to be as neutral as possible, even though it’s pointless and you know it. Rose can sense your discomfort in a situation like a shark can sniff out blood in the water. You’ll be damned if you aren’t going to try, though.

“Hey Rose, just getting all dolled up in here. You know, a groom’s gotta look good on the big day. Me and Karkat are gonna bond so hard today we’re gonna straight up combust into one pure chemical reaction. Sparks will be flying so high it’ll be like the new Disney World.”

“Sparks, hmm. And I suppose that’s why no one has seen you for over an hour now?”

Dave opens his mouth to interrupt but she continues smoothly. “I couldn’t help but overhear some of what you were just mumbling about. Judging from that and your tense disposition, I would hazard a guess that you are experiencing the phenomenon commonly known as cold feet.”

Your stomach twists unpleasantly. Fuck that. Cold feet is for the brides in Karkat’s movies who all of a sudden need to run away five minutes before their wedding to go splash around in a park fountain so they can have one last taste of freedom. This is not cold feet. You don’t think.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t want to marry Karkat because I hella do. But I can’t stop thinking…”

Rose steps forward until you can see her reflection standing beside yours in the mirror. She’s wearing a pale lilac dress and matching headband. Her usual dark and dramatic makeup has been muted to a much more elegant glow. Even you can appreciate that she looks beautiful. Which just hammers home the very thought you’ve had rolling around your head since you first walked in here. That you look terrible. That you look like... someone who doesn’t deserve anyone.

“Yes?” she prompts you, her voice gentler.

 You don’t respond because your stomach is churning, betraying you as a dozen waves of anxiety seemingly hit you all at once.

You lean forward, gripping the sides of the sink tightly with both hands. You can feel the granite edge digging painfully into the flesh of your fingertips and you push into the feeling. It’s the good hurt, the kind like when you wedge a toothpick in between your teeth and wiggle it around your gums.

Rose’s presence has you impossibly flustered. You will yourself to speak but your reflection won’t open his mouth. What the shit is happening? You’re supposed to be downstairs with your friends and family, getting ready for the best day of your life, but instead you’re hiding out in a bathroom this fucking close to completely falling off the handle. Oh fuck. You distantly observe that your breath is coming in shallow gasps.

“Dave, you remember how nervous I was on my wedding day.”

 Beneath the flurry of panic occupying your uppermost thoughts, you do. An image surfaces like a photo dipped in developing solution. You see Rose in another bathroom, slumped down by the tub and tipping down her sixth glass of champagne while crying her eyes out. You see yourself, holding her hands while she sobs, and then her hair when she spills her guts down a porcelain bowl.

You’d mustered up some of the best shooshes and paps of your life that day. You think Karkat would be proud, if you ever told him. But you and Rose had promised each other that you would never speak of it again, not to anyone, even each other. Until now, you guess.

“But that was different, that was you and Kanaya. She loves you, and she always will. This is me and Karkat and-- and...”

You’re broken. That’s all there is to it; you know he deserves someone better than you, there’s gotta be someone better, even if he has to wait for all those baby trolls to grow up there’s gonna be one that’s just right for him, someone who can give him what he needs, what he fucking deserves and that’s sure as fuck not you, you’re at most a temporary fix, like a bandaid just waiting until that moment that the adhesive wears out and it goes from being a useful and protective layer to a dirty, used up thing that belongs in the trash—

You wince as your vision is abruptly flooded with bright vanity lights and your thoughts come screeching to a halt. Rose tosses your shades onto the sink and pulls your hands up into hers. Normally you would give her no small amount of shit for a move like that, but your brain is currently short circuiting on a self destructive feedback loop that has you on a direct fucking route to a place where no man has gone before.

You know what she wants and it takes everything for you to force yourself to look up and into her eyes. When you meet them they are clear and unyielding, set underneath furrowed brows. You force yourself to hold her gaze, even as every instinct you have tells you to flinch away.

She squeezes your hands. “And what? Dave, I need you to listen to me. Karkat loves you.”

You shake your head, because she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t get how your insides feel like liquid, shifting and bubbling.

“I know that, I know he loves me now, but he’s gonna get tired of me Rose; I’m obnoxious and needy and broken beyond all repair, okay? I’m beyond fucked up, and one day he’s gonna realize that I’m not worth the trouble and I’m not giving him anything and--”

The sickening feeling that’s been rising in your throat finally peaks as nausea overtakes you. You tear your hands away from Rose’s to abruptly turn and empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet. You hear a gentle sigh before Rose comes up beside you and you feel the comforting pressure of her hand, rubbing small circles into your back.

You let your head hang miserably over the remnants of the three egg omelette Karkat made you for breakfast this morning. Fuck. What would he even think if he saw you right now?. At the thought of Karkat, the heat welling in your face finally breaks. Tears start to roll slowly down your face and drip into the toilet.

Rose flushes the toilet from above you, and then sits down on the edge of the bathtub. As you watch the mess of sick swirl away, you imagine yourself flushing down the S-bend too. If only it were that easy.

“Dave, honestly. You’d have to be visually impaired not to see how much Karkat adores you. And even then… you’d be able to hear about it. And you are unequivocally not ‘fucked up beyond repair’. No one is perfect. And Karkat loves you and your flaws; he wants to marry you because of them, not in spite of them.”

One of Rose’s hands resumes rubbing at your back and then you feel another one sliding through your hair. You don’t even bother to disguise the fact that you are leaning into her touch; you don’t have the capacity right now to feel embarrassed by much of anything going on right now.

“I know what you’re afraid of,” she says. Her hands are soft and gentle on you, but her voice is hard, like crunching gravel. “I know you're afraid you can’t give him what he needs. Or that after a few years, he’ll realize that he’s better off without you. That you’re more trouble than you’re worth, that he’ll be frustrated that you can’t always say exactly what you mean.”

Fuck. You hiccup around a sob. At least Rose was drunk when she lost her shit. This is just pathetic.

“You might think all that, but you’re wrong. And, you're forgetting an important fact. Karkat is a fully functioning and intelligent being. He knows you very well, in some ways I suspect, better than you know yourself. Of course, no relationship is without its difficulties, but I would assume that Karkat knows exactly what he’s signing up for. And you do too.”

You do, you do know that, the logical part of your mind choruses, stirring feebly into action. You take several deep breaths and concentrate on only those, and the feeling of Rose’s hands and their repetitive motions in your hair and on your back. After a few moments of this, you feel immensely better.

You pick your head up. “Thanks, Rose.”

She gives you a small smile as she gets to her feet.

"I'm very proud of you, Dave. Karkat is lucky to have you."

A comforting warmth spreads through your body. "Thanks," you say again. You stand slowly, but you are unable to meet her eyes anymore.

“Now please do clean yourself up. You look terrible.”

You cross back over to look at yourself in the mirror. Holy shit. Your face is puffy, your eyes are red, and the entirety of your skin is shining with sweat, tears, mucus, or some unholy combination of the three. It’s disgusting. You watch your reflection as he laughs openly at you. Suddenly you feel light, and a little giddy. It’s unbelievable.

“You know what?" you say through a grin, "I think I’m ready to get married.”

Rose is by the doorway again, fully smiling now, with one hand over her mouth.

“Sometimes all you need is a release.” She grimaces. “In your case, perhaps in more ways than one. Now finish getting ready and come downstairs. Something tells me that this is going to be a wonderful day.”

She winks, then disappears in a flourish of purple. You turn back to the sink to clean up. You take your time: blowing your nose, rinsing your mouth, and splashing handful after handful cool water over your face. Gotta be thorough. Can’t be looking too grody at your own wedding, dog. Plus it feels amazing.

You’re toweling off when you see a flash of green in the corner of your eye, and suddenly you find your arms full of an extremely excited Jade. She goes off like a firecracker.

“Dave! I can’t believe you’re getting married! Ahhh!” she shrieks over your shoulder, squeezing you into a tight bear hug. Dog hug? Whatever it is, it’s rapidly constricting your lungs.

“Jade, I can’t breathe.”

“Oh! Dave, I’m sorry!” Jade quickly releases you and you can see that she is literally vibrating with energy, constantly hopping from one foot to the other with a grin plastered on her face that's wider than all hell. She’s wearing a strapless green gown with black sequins. She looks great and her smile is downright infectious, and despite everything you find yourself grinning back just as wide.

“How did you know I was up here?”

Jade gives you a sly look. “Rose told me where you were. Everyone else is outside! Well, John said he was coming up to see you too, but I bet him he couldn’t make it here as fast as I can!”

She does a little twirl and you chuckle at that, while suppressing the small jolt of anxiety you feel at the thought of literally everyone you know gathered just outside your house, like the world’s shittiest surprise party.

“So uh, I guess the ceremony is starting pretty soon.”

“Yes! Are you excited?”

“Uh-huh, look at me, all primped and prepped and ready for the big day. You know I’ve been fantasizing about my wedding since I was a wee little tot way down in the heart of Texas. I can only hope that this lives up to my wildest hopes and dreams.”

Jade giggles and then her eyes go wide.

“Oh hey! Kanaya gave me this for you!”

She reaches into a pocket of her dress and pulls out a red rose with a small pin attached the base, right where the stem would begin.

“She told me you should wear it on your lapel, but I think it would look adorable in your hair!”

You shrug. When she heard about your engagement Kanaya had immediately offered to take charge of decoration and outfits for the wedding, and you and Karkat were more than content to leave the aesthetics in her hands. “Sure, have at me.”

Jade leans forward to fasten the rose to the right side of your head. As her face gets close to yours her eyes narrow. She looks around conspiratorially, then loudly whispers, “I shouldn’t tell you this… but I saw Karkat earlier and he looks incredible!”

You don’t answer her because your stomach is too busy doing a totally sicknasty flip at the mention of Karkat’s name. Okay, so maybe you’re still a little nervous. Who wouldn’t be nervous on their wedding day? Perfectly normal. Absolutely perfectly normal.

Jade fusses with the rose for a few moments longer with a smirk on her face, while you grow increasingly flustered. Your discomfort is forgotten however, when she pulls back and your eyes catch a glint of silver off a ring on her left hand.

You reach out, quick as lightning and grab her wrist. “Um, what is this.”

“Oh!” Her expression is unreadable. “I didn’t want to spoil you and Karkat’s day so I was just going to tell everyone after the ceremony but…” Her face splits into a huge grin. “Me and Davepeta are engaged!”

Oh.

“Oh.”

You normally try not to think about Jade and Davepeta, because honestly, it’s still weird. You’d really thought that the fact that Jade was actively dating a different version of you who was also a sprite, part bird, and part Nepeta would stop being weird after some indiscriminate period of time but nope, here you are now in the year of our lord 2018, and it’s still as weird as ever.

Plus, when you do think about it for more than a few seconds, things get even more fucked. You start to realize all the things Jade probably knows about you because Davepeta has told her. The experiences you had growing up, your fears, insecurities, your doubts. It’s a vulnerable feeling, like you’re standing before her without a stitch of clothing on.

As your brain continues to go off the rails, Jade’s expression has slowly transformed into one of despair.

“I knew you always thought we were weird!” she wails and puts her face in her hands. “Davepeta said you were cool with it because they’re cool with it and I’m an idiot because I actually believed them!”

“No,” you immediately say. “Jade, that’s not it.”

You cringe. “I mean to keep it real, it kinda is.”

Her face droops even more. This is the worst thing, this thing that is happening. You scramble to find the right words.

“Look, okay, so I do think it’s little weird. They’re me, you know. They’re not like Davesprite, but we’re still talking about some double sprite being who is at least one third unadulterated Dave. So it’s like you have VIP access to parts of myself I don’t feel comfortable talking about and even though I never signed on the dotted line, like, the deal is done.”

You run a hand through your hair. Shit’s uncomfortable. Jade gives you a solid look. Like she’s about to drop something serious.

“I understand Dave, the idea of someone peeking into your head uninvited is probably not any fun! But I do think that you should know that I am your friend! I would never do anything to hurt you, no matter what.”

She’s right. This is Jade we’re talking about. You shake away the weird feelings for now. There’s definitely some stuff you need to work out on your own sometime, but you don’t have to burden Jade with your insecure shit. You might talk about it later with Karkat, though.

“You’re right. I trust you, Jade, so if you’re looking for the Strider blessing, you got it. Now go forth and get your wedding on. After mine, though.”

Jade opens her mouth, then closes it. For a second you think she’s about to cry, and then she rushes forward and pulls you into a suffocating hug once again.

“Jade I can’t breathe. Strider to Harley, I repeat, my respiratory systems are a no-go.”

“Sorry! Thank you, Dave!” Jade pulls away, grinning. “I should get back out there.”

“I’ll see ya around Harley. And congratulations.”

Jade twirls around again, her earlier excitement now back in full force. “Hey! I may not know more about the future than you do, Mr. Knight of Time, but I do know that today is going to be an amazing day!”

Then there’s another flash of green and she’s gone.

You cross your arms and wait for the next asshole who’s going to come through the door. And right on cue there’s a sudden gust of wind, and John Egbert is standing in front of you, his face sixty percent toothy grin, forty percent dorky glasses. He immediately pulls you into a bone crushing hug. Guess that’s gonna be a trend today.

“Congratulations Dave!” he squeals.

When he pulls back you can see that his eyes are shining. He wipes his nose on the arm of his suit, which is an electric blue.

“Holy shit Egbert, are you crying?”

“Yeah, so sue me!” he sniffles, but he’s smiling. “My two best friends are getting married today!”

You roll your eyes, aware that he can see it because your shades are still sitting on the counter.

“I still remember that day when we all got together on the victory platform and you told me all that stuff you realized about sexuality. And then I asked you if you were gay and dating Karkat and he threw himself over the edge of the platform to have a tantrum.”

Your heart swells at the memory. God, Karkat is so fucking dramatic. You love it.

“Yeah, we’ve definitely come a long way since then,” you say, as if he doesn’t still throw massive fucking tantrums on the regular. Just this morning he was screaming up and down about how the toaster didn’t cook the toast dark enough on the medium setting. But that’s for you to know.

John grins. “Well I better get going. I just wanted to pop in and say hello. But this is for you!” He hands you a small bouquet of white roses from inside his jacket.

You reach out to take the roses, noticing his devilish grin just a moment too late. As soon as you tilt the flowers toward you, a jet of water shoots out and hits you directly in the the face.

As you’re sputtering, John’s voice is full of mirth. “Bye Dave, I gotta go get Karkat! See you down there!”

There’s swoosh, another gust of wind, and he’s gone. You’re left with your face dripping and a reluctant grin on your face. God damn it, Egbert.

You dry your face. Thank everything you don’t wear makeup or this would be really annoying.

It’s probably time to go downstairs, before anyone else can catch you up here. “I don’t know how many more visits from friends I can take right now,” you say to your reflection.

As soon as you say the words, the small form of the Mayor appears in the doorway. He’s wearing a tiny black suit jacket over his wraps, and it’s probably the cutest thing you’ve seen in your eternal life.

“Oh I didn’t mean you, Mayor. You know you’re literally always welcome in the Strider household. Come here bro.”

You go to sit down on the toilet and pat your thighs. The Mayor pitter-patters over on tiny feet and hops up onto your lap, his small arms immediately wrapping as far as they can around your waist. This is not new for either of you.

“You excited for today?” you ask, nuzzling your chin into the side of his head.

“Personally I’ve been having some mixed feelings about it, but I think I’m ready. I know Karkat’s been looking forward to this for months. What? It’s not that I haven’t. It’s just I’ve never been that down with PDA, you know?”

Oh god. You’re going to have to kiss Karkat in front of all your friends. You hug the Mayor tighter to your chest. He looks up at you and blinks.

“You’re totally right. Have to kiss him? Fuck, you mean I get to kiss him. It’s gonna be awesome. We got rid of a lot of the corny wedding shit, but we kept all the good stuff. We even wrote our own vows. Shits gonna get hella personal.”

It’s quiet in the bathroom. If you listen for it, you can hear the sounds of laughter and chatter outside. And yep, your stomach still pretty much feels like it’s filled with worms. You take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. You got this.

“Alright lil guy,” you say, patting the Mayor’s head. “I just want you to know, that whatever happens out there today, our relationship is not gonna change. We’re still going to be the same Dave and Karkat you know and love, plus some matching accessories, that’s all. Nothing to worry about. Nothing’s gonna change. And we’re always gonna love you.”

You give the Mayor one last squeeze before you pick him up and set him on the floor. It makes you feel a bit better. Man, the Mayor rules.

“Now get out of here. Tell them I’ll be down in a minute.”

The Mayor nods once and scurries out of sight.

Before you leave the bathroom, you look at yourself in the mirror one last time. You’re wearing an all white suit with red accents. It’s easily the most comfortable thing you own, and you once alchemized a suit out of a felt puppet. Kanaya really knows her shit when it comes to clothes.

You wonder what Karkat is wearing. Your heart jumps at the thought. It’s so weird that he still makes you feel like this. You guess that’s why you’re getting married. No one makes you happier than Karkat does. And the thought of waking up next to that mess of a troll every day for the rest of your immortal life, well you’re ready to sign the fuck up. Even if it takes pledging your undying love in front of everyone on Earth-C. Sometimes that’s just way the cookie’s gotta crumble.

You take your shades from the counter, and after a moment’s hesitation, stow them safely in the front pocket of your suit jacket and head downstairs.

\---

Dirk and Roxy are waiting for you downstairs. As you step into your kitchen you are hit with the cloyingly sweet smell of baked goods. It says a lot about the state of your stomach that it doesn’t give much of a response.

You raise one hand in greeting.

“Sup.”

Sprouting a grin like the Cheshire cat, Roxy runs up and punches you hard, in the arm. She’s wearing a very poofy pink dress with matching heels. And what look like glittery cat earrings. They’re pretty cool you think, in an ironic kind of way.

“Oh-em-gee! Today’s the day! I’m so excited for you!”

“Yep,” you say. “This sure is a thing that’s happening today.”

Roxy winks at you and begins straightening up your tie. Dirk hangs back, leaning casually against the counter as she fusses over you. Like a mother would. Your throat closes around a hard knot. Oh god. As much as you've never imagined yourself walking down the aisle, you've certainly never imagined having your honest to god parents be there while you do. The thought fills you with a flurry of emotions. Mainly good, you think. But intense nonetheless.

“Oh Davey! You look so good!” she squeals and wraps you into a hug. You force yourself to relax into her touch, and breath in deeply. She smells like tree bark and wild flowers.

“Alright. I’m gonna go tell everyone it’s time.” Roxy releases you, gives you one last big wink, and then flounces out the door.

Dirk finally moves from the counter. He looks great as well. Man, your friends and family sure clean up well. He’s wearing a gray suit with orange accents. It’s light, like the color of concrete. He’s also holding something in his outstretched hand. Fuck, it’s a ring. Holy shit that’s real. This is real. Somehow you keep forgetting. Originally you and Karkat were gonna bypass the whole rings thing, but Dirk had quietly volunteered to make you matching rings, and that was that.

Unlike everyone else you’ve seen today, Dirk isn’t smiling. “I hope you like ‘em," he says through the thin line of his mouth. "I gave Karkat yours already.”

You take the ring and turn it over in your hands, a little speechless. It’s made out of a dark gray metal, with a rivulet of red running through the middle all the way around the band. The inner part of the ring is also red, and engraved the center is “Dave & Karkat”. On either side of the words are a time cog and Karkat’s troll symbol. It’s simple, obviously well crafted, and beautiful.

Dirk is kind of staring at you. Probably waiting for a response. It’s definitely been a minute.

You have to cough, and swallow past the lump in your throat enough to force out actual words. “Dirk... it’s amazing. Thank you.”

He shrugs, and his face might not change but you can physically see the tension leave his shoulders. “No big deal. Just wanted to do something special for you guys.”

It’s actually kind of a huge deal. But this is the way you guys are. Everything is in the subtleties. Dirk goes over and pokes his head through the screen door that leads to the yard. That must be the signal. It’s hard not to notice how your stomach immediately jumps to your throat.

As you desperately work to avoid hyperventilation, Dirk walks back over to you, catching your eyes over the top of his shades.

“So. Are you ready?”

You nod once. “Hell yes.” Your voice is not as confident as your words. You’re convinced that Dirk can probably hear your nerves rattling in your bones, but if he does notice anything he doesn’t comment on it. What he does do is give you a small, comforting smile.

You link your arm through his, finding some relief in the small touch, and together you both walk through the kitchen’s backdoor, out into the sunshine.

It’s showtime.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brought to you by the sticky keys of my tear stained keyboard

As you exit the house, you see Dirk give someone a signal with his free hand, and music starts up from the speakers. It's the classic wedding march, except remixed with a fly beat obviously created by Dirk, you can hear his signature style in the music. Also known as the same style you yourself learned from Bro and worked hard over the years to make your own.

God, that's trippy. You've avoided thinking about Bro for this long, the drop in your gut is practically overdue. You have no idea what he would think about the fact that you're about to get married, if he would have even been here. Would he have wanted to be here? You try to imagine him holding your arm instead of Dirk, but you can't. Even though he kind of is Dirk–in a weird, cross dimensional way.

Thankfully the thoughts of Bro are wiped swiftly away before they consume you, because your mind comes screeching to a halt when you look up and see Karkat. Suddenly it's like you've stumbled into one of the countless cutesy romance movies he's bribed you into watching for various sexual favors over the years, because it feels like your breath is literally knocked out of your lungs.

He's standing at the altar, wearing a charcoal grey suit with the same matching red accents that yours does. Hilariously, you note that you can see that an attempt was clearly made at combing through his hair, and also exactly where he–or more likely Kanaya–gave up. There's a rose that matches yours buried in his dark curls.

Karkat doesn't stop looking at you as you make your way down this never ending aisle, clutching Dirk's arm like it's the only thing that's stopping you from falling off the face of the earth. His cheeks are tinted red, and he's wearing the cutest, shy smile. A thought catches you by surprise, you actually can't wait to kiss him.

Finally, your brain starts to take in other details. Like how the wooden archway above him is painted white and woven in a criss cross pattern adorned with dozens of roses that match this apparent red theme you weren't aware of.

You feel warm in your suit, imagining everyone's eyes boring into your back like laser beams. When you finally reach the altar, Dirk has to forcefully pry his arm away from you, and you shoot him a pleading look, not even really knowing what you're asking. He only flashes you a thumbs up before heading off to his seat.

This really it.

There's only one step up to get up on the gazebo platform where Karkat is waiting. Your foot has barely touched the ground when there's an obnoxious gust of wind, and John appears in front of Karkat, grinning wide as anything.

"This is it," he squeals, echoing your thoughts, before turning around and asking for everyone's attention.

John had volunteered to be your officiant approximately three minutes after you and Karkat had announced the ceremony. His reasons were previously unclear to you but looking at him now, it's easy to see how comfortable he is in front of the crowd, to hear the pleased peels of laughter that follow all of his corny ass jokes.

It hasn't been too long since the days were John barely left his house, and now here he was, Egberting it up for all the world to see. You feel a small sense of pride.

Everyone has gone quiet listening to John, and your anxiety amps up a little. You're not sure how his voice is protecting so well. Is that a Breath thing? He's recounting the story about Karkat's meltdown on the victory platform again, and you listen to his words without hearing them, choosing to watch Karkat instead. Surprisingly, he's actually laughing along with the story, his cheeks tinted adorably red. Oh, you're so sunk.

John steps back after announcing the vows, and finally you're face to face with Karkat. His eyes are already shining, and while you’re well used to his excessive emotional responses to everything, as in the way he lets loose like a busted fire hydrant every time the wind so much as changes direction, today it hits you like a physical blow. You open and close your mouth a few times, finally getting out the only solid words you can grab onto in the cotton ball filled balloon that is your brain.

“Wh–where doing this, man.”

He doesn’t even roll his eyes as he responds warmly, _“Where making this happen.”_

Oh no, you can feel your face cracking with emotion and it's barely been a minute. Stop it Dave. You can't cry at your own wedding. That would be so uncool. You focus on trying to slow your heart rate down as you watch Karkat pull a piece of paper out of his breast pocket. The slight quiver of the note betrays that his hands are shaking a little.

"Dave, make sure to pick up some god damn eggs next time you go the the store you forgetful fuck–oh wait. Wrong letter."

Roxy lets out a loud chortle, and the rest of the crowd follows, laughing gleefully. You're instantly shook out of your near tearful stare, letting lose a watery laugh. What? Did Karkat just make a joke?

He looks at you, smiling shyly, then takes a deep breath. “I wrote this for you, asshole,” he says quietly, so only you can hear.

He clears his throat and starts tapping out a steady beat with his foot. You look down at them blankly and then snap your head back up as something clicks in your brain. Music starts, and again you hear a familiar style in the quiet thrum of the bass. No. Your eyes shoot over to Dirk and, god damn it, he's smirking. No fucking way, there's no way in hell Karkat is about to–

_"Dear Dave, I'm gathered here today to say fuck you._  
_I hate the games you play, I hate the things you say,_  
_I hate your stupid outfits! I hate those smug douche shades,_  
_I hate the 'bro’, ‘dude’, ‘gays’ and the displays–_  
_the buffets of dicks you insist on plastering around the place,_  
_or shoving in my face._

_Some days I used to hide away in my dismay_  
_And pray for another meteor to blow us away,_  
_Or smash us to bits before I flipped my shit or as you'd say,_  
_Flew off the goddamn handle because when it comes to spitting nitwit bullshit_  
_No one else can hold a candle to you, it's true._  
  
_But maybe I'm the one that’s broken 'cause despite the words I've spoken_  
_I'm the token fool whose joke of a life's been tragically_  
_Brought to a goddamn standstill by a poker faced one man landfill._  
_You've spilled yourself into all four of my quadrants and spread out,_  
_Like a festering disease that I can't kill._

_Now I'm infected, my skin is itchy and sore,_  
_But I don't want to be corrected and I don't want a cure,_  
_I never expected my wretched life to ever offer me more_  
_Than a rejection, a quick death, or a kick to the floor_  
_Until you elected to recklessly stick your foot in the door._

_The guy wrapped in shitty artifacts and dumb metaphors,_  
_With eyes I learned to hate, calm, pity, support,_  
_Who, if you'll let me, I vow to love forever more._

Holy shit. The music fades away, and everyone bursts into applause. Which you don’t think is normal for weddings, but you don’t actually know seeing as how you’ve only ever seen them on tv.

Karkat's wearing a small, self satisfied grin as you continue to gape at him, since during entire rap your jaw was dropping like someone was cranking your mouth open with a car jack. Karkat had been very secretive about his vows, but you never expected this–and then the bubble of shock pops and you're laughing, your face is burning, flaming red and you know it…

"I'm not done!" Karkat yells, because people are absolutely hollering now. Roxy in particular is standing on her chair and whooping. "Nooklicks," he whispers. You giggle at him. It's high pitched and unusual for you, but today, everything that's happening is unusual, so.

After a deep breath, Karkat looks at you. His smile is so fucking big and bright you're almost blinded. "I love you, Dave," he says. "You're the greatest person I know, and you make me better every day. You see through my bullshit, and for some reason you like what's underneath. I like myself when I'm with you. And you've helped me to like myself even when I'm not. For the first time in my life you made me feel like there's a place I belong. You–you make me feel safe," he finishes. His voice cracks on the last word, and you resist the urge to crush him into your chest. Pale red tears are spilling down his cheeks with wild abandon.

His eyes are locked on yours, glistening. There's a lump in your throat the size of a boulder, this is too much, it's so much… He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls a ring. _The ring._ Oh fuck. You extend your left hand. It doesn’t move. You try again and get it to lift slowly; it’s shaking. Karkat takes it, his palms warm and a little rough, stilling the tremor immediately. He slides the ring onto your fourth finger. His fingers knead soothingly into your palm and you want to dive into the feeling.

You look back up into his eyes, the yellow sclera that are cloudy with pink, and the piercing red irises where you would like to check in for an all expenses paid vacation from now until forever.

“It’s my honor to protect you," Karkat braves on in a warbly voice, "To care for you, and to keep you company, for the rest of our eternal lives.”

As it turns out, you absolutely can cry at your own wedding. And you are. All the emotions you've been feeling come to head, finally overflowing the cup of self restraint you've been holding tight to your chest. You can't hear anything. You can't hear how people are reacting to the end of Karkat's vows, you can't even hear what John is saying right now, even though he definitely just said your name, the only thing you are aware of is each individual hot tear you can feel rolling down your cheeks and the burn of the wedding band that Karkat is spinning around your ring finger.

You do know that it's your turn to pull out your own vows. Your heart is hammering so fast, and your intestines feel like they're planning a jailbreak through either side of your body. You wonder how many bodily fluids you're allowed to expel during this ceremony, and then wipe that thought away because it's only making you feel hella worse. You find Karkat's eyes to steady yourself and finally, the world around you drops out of existence. _This is for him._

"Karkat, honestly, for the longest time I thought you were a tight-assed windbag because the only thing you ever did was get on my case about interspecies sloppy makeouts and constantly bring up your weird ass bucket fetish. I thought you were like, this selfish hypocritical asshole with a sense of self worth so inflated it could hold its own Macy's Thanksgiving Parade."

Karkat pushes you hard, on the shoulder. "Get on with it," he growls, but his eyes are still shining.

You skip ahead.

Several paragraphs.

"But real scoop is that you're my best bro. I know it's pretty ironic with you being a knight and everything but you make me feel uhh, safe, and... like I can be who I am around you. Or I guess, who I like to be. Even if it's because you won’t fucking settle for anything less."

Karkat laughs at that, then sniffles. You can't look up at him though; you're not sure what will happen if you make eye contact right now. Your heart is still racing and you're staring at the paper in your hands without really seeing it. You keep going anyway, letting your instincts take over as you recite the words you've said to him a million times, a million different ways in your head.

"You know, sometimes I feel like we're characters in one of your romance novels because of the way we just fit together somehow, it's like our lives are being dictated by some shitty, idealistic fan fiction or something, like if God was a thing and just before we met he was just sitting up there in heaven saying let's make that guy Dave a one of a kind dude who is perfect for him and we need our best elves to work on this man, we need someone who will gobble up all his bullshit like Pac-Man eats little white dots, someone that's silly and funny and the goddamn wordiest motherfucker to walk the earth, dramatic, and loud as all absolute fuck… Karkat, I fucking love that I never have to guess what's on your mind.

"Sometimes it's like there's this wall, this window that I'm standing outside and I'm looking in at some dope ass party with all my best friends having the time of their lives but there I am, pretending I'm too cool to go inside, and you're the guy who pulls me through the doorway and forces me to sit down on my ass and probably watch some shitty Mark Ruffalo movie while we're at it. Sometimes I lie awake at night and just think about how lucky I am that I found someone who took the time to fucking blunder through the convoluted maze that leads to this goddamn chastity cage of a god damn heart."

You're speaking so fast, trying to get it all out, but when the words you've been saying finally catch up with you, your face heats up like a furnace. So, you might have went a little ways off of what you planned to say and spilled your guts to nearly everyone you know. Great. Cool. It's fine, because they're being quickly replaced by wet cement.

Karkat squeezes your hand, bringing you back into the present. You look up. There are more red tinted tears glinting on his face, and his eyes are so fucking soft that you immediately have to look back down, blinking quickly. It's still too much, it's all too much. Your heart feels like it's being squeezed in a warm fist.

"Somehow... somehow you got a map, man," you half whisper, half choke out to him.

Karkat is still gripping your hand tightly. "You gave it to me, moron," he whispers back.  

And that's absolutely enough. You fling your arms around him, wedding protocol be god fucking damned. You're sobbing like this is your own personal therapy session, with enough force that your shoulders are shaking.

He pats your back, and you can feel more than hear the familiar pale buzzing emanating from his chest, and you melt into the comfort it gives you. You shamelessly dig your runny nose into his neck, taking in the smell of him; you're brought back to the first time you walked into his room on the meteor, to the first time you'd awoken and rolled around in your bed to find him lying beside you, to early morning pile feelings jams and slow under the covers explorations. You think of comfort and warmth, of vulnerability and relief.

Time passes. You honestly have no idea how long you stand there clutching Karkat as you slowly calm down. It's Terezi's shrill voice that finally breaks the silence.

"WHAT ARE THEY DOING?"

You're startled into laughter. The spell breaks and you peel yourself away from Karkat, wiping your dripping face on your white lapel. Sorry, Kanaya. When you brave a peek, Karkat's eyes are still glossy and soft. A stab of affection hits you in the chest like an arrow wrapped in silk.

"Don't worry about it TZ," you shout, when you're pretty confident your voice won't shake.

You search the audience for one face, and you find Rose discreetly wiping away tears. Kanaya has a hand thrown over her shoulders, her own face is streaked with green.

"I better wrap this up," you say, "It's getting longer than one of those party heroes they sell you at sandwich shops with the little toothpicks that have cellophane ends."

You look back at your paper, deciding to actually read the last two paragraphs you wrote to round this out.

"I’m always reluctantly stepping onto some predestined path bullshit that’s been already laid out for me, by dead Daves and past daves and future daves and alt self daves and maybe marrying you is more of the same thing but even if it is, it’s the one thing that I'm sure about. Even if this is something I was always meant to do, if it's something that every Dave will always do, it's also the one thing I want to do. I love you so much Karkat. It's my honor to be with you. And I promise I'll take care of you, make you laugh, and protect you, for the rest of our Sburb given lives."

By the time you finish, you're crying again and Karkat is openly sobbing. Again. Good thing his suit is gray. You pull out the smooth gray ring Dirk gave you and he holds out his hand. You slip it on his fourth finger, temporarily mesmerized by the contrast of his grey skin against yours.

John's voice rings out over you. "I now pronounce you man and troll. Just get the gross kissing over with already!"

You forget everything that just happened as your heart leaps into your throat for a second and you think, _Really?_ After all that, you're still afraid of a little public Katsmooching?

Karkat looks even more nervous than you feel, and it's true that he's never been one for public displays of affection. Not that you are, exactly, but all you want to do in this life is ease his discomfort and there's an easy way to do exactly that.  

You move first, your fingers sliding up the side of his face and into his hair to pull him toward your face and kiss him thoroughly, until you feel his shoulders sink down and his arms wrap gently around your waist. That's more like it.

You forget yourself to the kiss for a second, when your world becomes nothing but Karkat, and the way he's always burning hot, like a furnace, the way he feels so solid under your hands, the way his lips are just so, so soft, and the small vein of desire that's always running under your skin whenever you're touching him.

A few wolf whistles break through your trance, and your face flames. Your lips pull apart but you keep your foreheads joined, a smile plastered to your face. Karkat also wearing an adorably shy smile.

God, you could kiss him again and again. But you can wait 'til later.

Cheers errupt, and the wedding march starts up over the speakers again. It's over. Your heart rate finally evens out for the first time since this morning. You're still smiling when you grab your shiny, new husband's hand in your own.

This is the easy part.

You both walk back down the aisle, side by side. You see your friends in small glimpses, Calliope jumping around, happily snapping picture after picture, Jane and Roxy sobbing into each other's shoulders, a shiny eyed Jade sitting next to Davepeta, the Mayor who's waving from Terezi's lap, Dirk giving you a small approving nod while Jake smiles giddily beside him. Then right behind Karkat, you step through the screen door and into your new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Extra as always, I recorded Karkat's vows in case anyone wants to hear how they would sound with a backing track](https://davekatprompts.tumblr.com/private/183178823200/tumblr_pnruupi6hB1wswgbe)
> 
> Ch 3 will be the reception. see you in a year i guess


End file.
